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Forest Mayhem – my daughter’s story

This is my daughter’s story that I forgot to submit to the BBC 500 Words competition. Please help me make amends. Read it and tell her something you like about her story.

Today I let my daughter down

Today I did something really stupid. Please help me put it right.

My 10 year old daughter has written an entry for the BBC 500 Words competition. She spent ages on coming up with the idea, drafting and redrafting it until it was ready to send in.

It’s called “Forest Mayhem” and I think it’s really good.

After I’d typed it up for her and had her check the spellings I had one job; submit it.

I forgot.

How could I forget!?

We’re now 3 hours after the deadline and I feel dreadful. I’ve already confessed to her and she’s been her usual, utterly lovely self. She gave me a hug and said she’ll try again next year.

That’s what she’s like.

I can’t fix this properly but I hope I can make amends.

This is her story. Please read it and leave a comment telling her something you like about her story.

Forest Mayhem

Once when forest was above us and a wind blew gently through the trees, a group of animals raced through the forest with joy and laughter not knowing the danger lying in wait for them later that day.

Clarice the oldest, cleverest and prettiest of them all was a young deer wanting to explore the forest that she lived in. Her best mate was Olivia a fox who always looked up to her friend.

“Come on! Let’s go, shouted Clarice.

“Let’s explore while we can,” replied Olivia.

All the animals raced off into the thickness of the forest. Oliver, Olivia’s brother, gasped. “Can we rest for a minute?”

“No!” the girls shouted at him.

On they went dashing in and out of trees and weeds, until they reached the river. They weren’t allowed to cross it on their own. You see they had been forbidden to cross by the adults. Even though the other side looked so new and exciting they couldn’t. Olivia nudged her brother and whispered, “Go on cross it!”

“But…” began Oliver.

“Go on, chicken,” she said.

Slowly but steadily he edged towards the bank. Olivia crept up behind him and pushed. In he went into the water.

Suddenly, he slipped and he w3as swept away. “Help!” he cried and that was the last they saw of him. But he must be alive Olivia could feel it. “He couldn’t be that far could he?” That was the thought rushing Olivia’s head that moment. They started to walk along the bank searching for Oliver but nothing could be found not even a scent. They searched for hours on end but still no sign.

Then they heard a sound, a soft whimpering sound. Olivia looked around and there on the other side of the river, huddled against a tree was Oliver.

“Oliver!” shouted the exited Olivia. He looked up and smiled weakly at the girls.

“How are we going to get across?” asked Olivia. “There’s no way!” Then in the corner of her eye she saw a fallen tree a bit further down the river. “That log should be strong enough for both of us if we go one at a time,” said Clarice.

“Okay. Can you go first?” Olivia asked nervously.

“Fine!” said Clarice.

The log was unsturdy and it wobbled as the brave deer walked across the uneven trunk. As she got to the other side Olivia gasped with relief. Then she put one foot on the log then scampered across to the other side. When the two girls saw Oliver closely they could see he was really cold.

“Oliver are you okay?” asked Olivia.

“Yes I-I am-m,” replied Oliver.

“Come to us. You need to get warm,” said Clarice.

When they reached the log Oliver froze with fright but Olivia managed to persuade him to cross. So with relief they all staggered home talking about their adventure and how they did not want to do it again.

The End

16 replies on “Forest Mayhem – my daughter’s story”

These are some of the comments so far from Facebook

Jennifer Pentland “That is a lovely story. They didn’t give up, did they? X”

Trevor David Hughes ” This is a lovely story. I particularly like your last line. We all do that, don’t we ‘talk about our adventure and how we don’t want to do it again’ – that is beautifully put. I am also greatly amused by the line ‘”No” the girls shouted at him’. That sounds like real life, too. You must keep writing stories, even if you have to print them off and stash them in your bedside table rather than let your father anywhere near. ”

Caroline Ingram “Ok, I loved the start the first sentence really made we want to read more, and you kept up the pace all the way through, which made it really enjoyable to read”

Steph Jones “It’s a great story. Love the title and love the first line – paints a real picture in your head”

Excellent story. It made me feel a bit sad first about what could have possibly happened to Oliver. But the story proved that we should keep looking and even if the task looks difficult, we should not give up. Great story – once again.

I really wanted to keep reading to find out what happens which is the sign of great storytelling. And I like that you showed they had learned a lesson from their escapade. Well done and keep writing!

Fabulous story, Abi, well done! Lots of great tension and description – I’d love to know about their next adventure. Have you written a sequel yet?

What a wonderful story! Written in such a way I can see, feel and hear the characters as if they were there in front of me! A great talent. Keep it up!

The beginning is excellent. Lovely visual feel of the forest. I also particularly like the part where Oliver is persuaded to cross the log, even though he is afraid. We’ll done!

A lovely story, showing strength, courage & determination. Your characters were credible and I empathised with them. I was on the edge of my seat when Oliver fell and I’m glad he was saved. Keep on writing – I want to know if they have another adventure!

Thank you for letting us see you story.

I love how you started with “once when the forest was above us”! That is such a beautiful starting point, and makes the story feel like an old myth. Even grown up writers find that very hard to do, so you should be very proud of that.

I also liked “you see they had been forbidden to cross the river”. Again, it feels like a myth. There are always “forbidden” things in myths, and hero (and heroine) characters always end up crossing them and having adventures! You should ask your daddy about Joseph Campbell’s “Hero with 1000 faces”. This is a very clever book about how myths often have the same structure (the same things happen at the same points in the story).

Lots of writers and story-tellers use Joseph Campbell’s work to write stories – a very famous example is a film called “Star Wars” (you might call it “Star Wars: A New Hope”.)

I’m very glad they found Oliver after he fell in the river. They searched for hours and they must have been really frightened. And he was very brave. I think Oliver and Olivia learned an important lesson. All of these things are also in Joseph Campbell’s model of how a myth works.

Here is a picture of it. You might want to talk to your Daddy about some of the ideas on it, but you can see lots of things from your story. (you can also tell Daddy that the license is CC-BY-SA – this is very important because it means we can use it however we like)

There is:
* a call to adventure (when Olivia tells everyone (the helpers and mentors) they can’t stop)
* the threshold (the river they can’t cross)
* temptation (the other side of the river, and how nice it is)
* the abyss (when Oliver falls in, and the others are sad and look for him – abyss means “deep hole” and falling in a river is a bit like falling in a hole, I think.)
* transformation and atonement – all of the friends learn to be more careful and are sorry to have tried to cross the river, but they do become braver.
* return – the cross the river with a helpful fallen log, (that’s a “gift from nature”, and in the old days people thought nature was a goddess)

So I like your story a lot, and I think you have done a really good job of writing it. I hope you write some more stories soon.

from
David

What a relief! We have deer in a forest close to us and I can imagine the yearlings are just what they are like in your story. We get a rare glimpse every so often as they move between an open field and the forest, taking little effort to jump over walls and fences. Keep on with the story telling and make them come alive. Bless.

What a lovely story. I liked the way you set the suspense in the first part – we knew something dangerous was going to happen but we didn’t know what. When Oliver was lost my heart sank, and then he was found – what a relief. Even though he was cold and miserable, Clarice and Olivia managed to persuade him to keep trying to cross the river – we need friends and family in our adventures. And then they all went happily home – I love a happy ending.
Thank you.

Such a beautifully written story! Genuinely impressed by the skill you have for writing and what seems a natural ability for storytelling. Was totally engaged from start to finish and would love to read more of your stories. Please keep writing!

What a great story. So much packed into so few words – that’s so hard to do, it’s a real talent, well done.

The first paragraph was in the best tradition of the suspense novels that I love. Setting the scene and describing it so that you can see it in your mind’s eye; then making you feel apprehensive and excited, in equal measure, about the ‘danger lying in wait for them’.

Keep writing, I think your style is so engaging it will be lovely to see how it develops. I hope you let your Dad share more of it.

Good luck! By the way, I really admire your approach to your Dad who was obviously feeling really bad about his mistake, it shows a level of maturity that I’m not sure I’d have been able to muster at your age, or indeed sometimes at my current advanced age!

A lovely story, so I’m pleased your Dad found a way to share it.

With fewer than 500 words you gave us characters, emotion and beautiful images for our imaginations to play with. Very impressive.

I worked on many scripts for (digital) stories with your Dad, but we never came up with anything as good as this!

Thank you for the nice comments and soon I will write another.
I really enjoyed reading all your comments . At first it felt a bit weird to know my story was on the internet but now its okay. I learned that even though it was good I can still make it better.

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